立ち止まらない この針だけは Only this clock-hand would pierce through,
僕の明日を刻む音突き刺す the sound that engraved my tomorrows, unable to stop.
真実から逃げたら今 If I escape from the truth right now,
現実にも負けたら今 if I would even give up on reality right now,
何が残るの? just what would be left behind?
Nuffnang
Profile
Alias: Yuuki, Haru, Akihiko, Venskye
Name: ZH (:
Age: 21
Information
This blog is meant to be full of my rants, daily happenings and stuffs like that. Occasional reviews, stories, and opinions. It's my open, unfinished story.
Desires
->Graduate with more than 3.5 GPA. ->Best way to release stress. ->Shut out all depressing thoughts.
->God of War 3 ->Castlevania: Lord of Shadow Limited Edition ->DJ Max Portable 3 Limited Edition ->Assassins Creed: Brotherhood Collectors Edition ->New Renoma Leather Wallet ->Crumpler Bag (Black or Red) ->1TB External Hard Disk
Haha. One moment I'm complaining about school life, the other I'm actually missing school life. Ironic isn't it?
I'm having fun with lessons everyday, it's definitely true that with a busy life, you tend to think more positive stuffs rather than negative stuffs. (: I guess I'm happy with my state of life, and I hope it does not end too soon! I still want my hairrr :D hahaha.
Congratulations to everyone who've graduated in TP (Junhui, Xin, Ben, Chan), and soon to be graduates (Fang and rilynn. Go out someday okayyy?) (: I want ice cream and beach. (:
Tomorrow's it a field trip to Navy Open House (Can you believe it? What does chem engs have to do with NAVY?!) And we're not allowed to wear...slippers and berms...it's a huge booboo. ):
Well, if you wanna ask me about my thoughts about recent graduation, this is my following thoughts. (:
---- Well, I'm a sucker for regrets okay. It's hard for me to say that I didn't regret making that choice~ (well if you dunno what happened, it's health + family matters but those who know, knows most details la.)
Haha. My eyes was pretty wet when I saw ppl graduating. (: Overall I'm really, genuinely happy for them, yet on the other hand I was admiring them. Like junhui said, it's my choice hahaha. Ouch. ---- Okay IBM test was okay, with some disaster in spelling though.
Ascomysetes became Aycomysetes Deuteromysetes became Deutereomysetes Besilusmysetes became Beliusmysetes
At least I got zycomysetes corretly (:
I guess in life, you seriously need five stuffs to be okay and smooth in life.
Huat ah. Yes, in the emotion scales sadness have went for a unlimited boost in my life in an instant. (:
So I'm just a petty guy in your eyes? I can assure you that I'm definitely not angry at all, I managed to keep my rationality while typing that huge chunk of words.
I'm just feeling a little bit cold and emotionless after I read that sentence. There's no more fire within me. I gave up.
I'm just utterly disappointed, and it manages to make me realize that you don't understand me.
I am actually happy that you actually care and manage to try to talk, rather than not giving a damn about this, but it's not working when you've already made some conclusions in your mind.
That is all. Chapter closed, I don't wanna talk about it anymore because it'll get really ugly by then, and I know it's hard to change both of our opinions on this matter. I hope this would be the most rational decision I've made in my life.
Sometimes it's best just to forget about the world.
For you seem to be the only one standing still, while others are moving on.
In no time, you'll be vanishing.
Boo. I just need a night to forget every sad thing. How miraculous is that? Or should I say, just stash everything into a locked box, and never open it?
I've decided that I shall undergo another body checkup after Chinese New Year. (:
Yeah. That's it. Sometimes it's better to know, sometimes it's better to not know. I seriously still don't understand what I want, and what I do not want.
So, after living as me for 19 years, I still don't really understand myself.
Friends, sometimes you just need an umbrella to share with on a rainy day.
Today there's just this sudden thought of friends, gaps, differences, disputes, harmony, happiness.
The whole main theme, and story, is about friends. What are friends, exactly? It's people where you can go along with, talk with, on the same wavelength? Someone who smiles, and cries with you? No one knows what's the real definition of friends. And, true, no one can determine what's friends. Because the definition of friends is different for everyone.
Now, about gaps, I can say for sure, for certain people, not contacting, not meeting for a period of time, the distance between them could just drift, further and further, to the extent of not contacting after that. But, who's to blame for this happening? Actually, both parties are to be blamed.
But, this is just a single thought.
"What if, let's say what if, that just by meeting once in a while, the distance could be maintained?"
It's a workable thought. I miss those people whom I've never meet for years, months and days. Where are you? Are you so busy, that you've forgot the existence of me? I seriously wonder.
But, what exactly am I doing, just by wondering?
Some people say, "Sometimes it's better to let go, than to hold on."
But for me, is it really better for me to let go, or should I hold on just to prevent this friendship to disappear?
Maybe, I'm just a passerby in your life, but I know, someday, somewhere...I'll find my place. The place, where I belong.
In this world, full of millions of people...just how many of them can you confide what's in your heart to them, without any hiding of information or erasing certain details?
Maybe to some, it might be less than 10. Worse, only one. What's the least number of people, you can let them know your deepest, darkest secrets? Maybe, nil.
Where does those pent up stuffs goes to? It piles up in your heart, with no where to release it. The more it piles up, the more pent up you feel.
Sometimes, you can shrug off all those negative vibes by crying, sometimes via other means. But, what if one just can't find any solutions at all? Well, that person might be stressed out to the largest extend.
Many times, you may feel that the heart's wound is healed, while it isn't. Even if you think you're over it, or you think that you're feeling better. So, you had to let loose all your emotions sometimes. All the thoughts in your heart... that you've let it pile up.
Just went to catch Couples Retreat with ben and junhui, and 2 hours later my mountain bike was being stolen. Wtf. I shall curse that person who stole my bike, that he'd wish that he'd be better off dead. (:
It's only 4 days old you know! Went home, and cried. Sigh.
Only comforting thing that happened later is that...
I told my mum I've saved enough for...the FF13 PS3 bundle. (:
250GB :D YAYYYYYY. Best xmas evah! Sigh. I'm getting sleepless over the bike though...
My life is changing everyday, in every possible way. My dreams, it's never quiet as it seems, never quiet as it seems.
---- Be forewarned. This would be another one of those sadistic post, that might get some of you irritated and all, so don't read it if that's what you'll be feeling in the end. ----
Ever heard before, a proverb called "ignorance is bliss?"
Well, just for those who don't know what that means [well, very little chance of that happening.], it's a saying that means, "Not knowing something is often more comfortable than knowing it." or, "What you don't know can't hurt you."
So, I totally learned what does ignorance is bliss meant today. I just wish I could forget what my mum told me, but I just can't. Because, it's just so important and so...sad, to know it.
She said that my dad might not be able to drive anymore in a few years time. That's what got me into thinking after dinner. It's time that I should plan out my future, for better or for worse.
I guess if I do graduate, I suppose I might go to work instead of pursuing my studies anymore. Because, who knows what would happen? I live my life by preparing with my best resources while expecting the worse outcome of every thing. I dare not to hope for the best for it will never happen when I think like that.
When I imagined the worst, well...I practically did, it was definitely not pleasant. My mum just told us now to think too deep, but is it possible not to think too deep, when it concerns about money?
It's the basic necessity to live in this country, or should I say, the world?
So I guess I'll have to cut down on everything, and anything that costs too much...but no matter what, I'll still keep the promises I've kept.
Makes me wonder when people says that "rich people have their own problems too..."
What other problems would be so much worse than having no money at all? At least it covers your basic needs. Fuck those rich people.
And, I guess kindness doesn't really begets kindness after seeing all my evil relatives getting richer and richer, and being snobs against us.
Seriously, why should we suffer when they're the ones that should? Can someone just tell me how does this fucking world works?
P.S: I won't be online too much now, so just try to contact me via hp. Sry if I didn't reply anyone messages today, because I seriously was not in the mood to.
P.P.S: I guess it's true that I think too much, but that's how I work. Sigh. I guess more hair dropping and less sleeping is going to happen for these few weeks.
P.P.P.S: I still want to watch 2012 and Gokusen, btw.
P.P.P.P.S: I think playing games to take my mind off matters isn't working as good as it is a few years back. Why?
This song is kinda slow and the beats kinda suit the song I usually like. (: Sky Chord ~大人になる君へ~ by Tsuji Shion ^^
I find her another song, M/elody quite nice too~ lalala. Supper with jh and xin yesterday! Haha. Damn fun...stoning in McDonalds just to chat. xD It's another daily little pleasures of life.
Some things happened in my family, that really got me thinking. I'm actually finding myself getting satisfied with life, just with little daily happiness, piling up into a huge pile of happiness. It's something that's here, and is easily obtained when everyone put the effort into doing something they enjoy.
But, somehow the little happiness are vanishing one by one...and it's hard to find them back. Will all of them vanish eventually? I wonder...
Emo vibes are filling me today, to the extent of procrastinating everything I'm doing. Ventus Mission is an asshole. Arin Rainbow Wings. ): Oh well. At least I got to Amateur E in Pangya. (:
Tomorrow...what will happen tomorrow? I wonder.
I wanted to stay up till daybreak when I was a kid. Now being chased by time, I don't even have enough sleep.
Since when did someone as lazy as I am learn to protect anything?
Today's little personal thought: ~~~~ Thanks for the sms-es I've received over the few days. It made me happier, but I still couldn't find any courage to reply to any sms-es...
I left my phone at my grandparents place...T_T couldn't get it back until a few days later. ~~~~
It's such bitterness, to compare each other misfortune, to see who's much more unfortunate than the other. Didn't anyone realize that, when you put two misfortunes on a scale, it's actually equal? You can't determine anything.
Today's little thoughts: ~~~~ Sometimes letting go is better than holding on. It might be better. Or for so, the worse. Yet when sometimes, there is too much to handle, you just have to let go. It's for the best...or is it just what you think it is?
Sometimes letting go might hurt others more than you ever think. ~~~~ Ha. It's part and parcel of my life to let go of stuffs, and to realise it too late that I've let go of the wrong stuffs. Letting go, yet can you get it back? Sometimes it's possible, if you put in the effort. Yet sometimes, once it is gone, you can never get it back, no matter how hard you try to.
Picture by Itchitaka. Itchitaka made a interesting poem on letting go...here it is.
How can you Just walk away From something that You love?
Just leave it behind, To do as it will? Live as it will? Without you?
You shared so much Together. The happy times And the sad.
But sometimes you just have To walk away. And letting go Is always the hardest part.
Letting go is the hardest part, yet getting it back after letting it go is the impossible part lol. Countless things have to be let go, to get what you want. Sometimes it's by choice, sometimes it's by need to basis, sometimes it's by sacrifice.
It has always struck to me that, letting go is like an exchange for something.
Now looking back, it made me realise. I've let go of things I don't want to. Be it stuffs that I've always wanted, relationships, personal time, studies, myself.
Even though I'm always harping that I've never felt regretful...it's wrong.
I've regrets, but I just don't want to admit it. It just makes me feel so bad. Why should I have regrets? Yet I've realised, living a life whereby having no regrets is just so, so tough. It just makes you feel so suffocating.
Mistakes are bound to be made, perfectionism is an illusion which many people made, to gain self satisfaction. Living trying to make no mistakes is tough. I've realised. No matter how many people have their expections on me, no matter how high it may be, I'm trying to ignore them now.
Because, my life, is what I should carve for myself.
Now I've realised, how silly I am since I started my tertiary education life.
Below is total rants. Life story.
I never scored well during my PSLE. I've got 205, while most people I know got higher than me. Everyone looked down upon me. No one cared except my parents. I'm truly grateful for that. Sec 1 didn't change anything. Getting 29/40 [class ranking] is like a insult to my family. Relatives still looked down on me.
Everything changed in Sec 2. I started scoring better, 5th in class. Relatives stopped insulting me. I feel so glad. Sec 3 and 4 is when I felt like I've never disgraced my parents anymore. I feel so happy, yet I never realised the chains have been behind me all the time.
I feel constricted. I felt that I have to perform well, maintain the status quo. It just gets harder and harder everyday. I enrolled and got into TPJC. Yes, it's when hell started.
I could never catch up, I could never learn well, I could never relax. Stress building up. Everything crumbled in that instant. It was such a period of depression. I escaped to poly. At least I feel better in there. Yet the constant comparison in the family didn't end.
So, things went on and on until now. During the period of deferment, I looked into a new aspect of life. I've been constrained too much. I should live my life as how I want it to be.
You know, it really feels so much better when the burden in your mind is gone. I've felt like how I am when in Sec 2. Happily playing with friends and stuffs like that.
So whenever I see someone who have lots of schedule, I actually tell them this...
"Don't let the schedule constraint you, you should control your schedule."
Haha. Preaching others now LOL.
Okay. I think I actually had some kinda depression during the starting of my JC life. But thank god it's over. I somehow still wonder, why would I thought of seeking that option when I can't see any hope in front of me.
Everything will be okay eventually. You can make it out unscathed. You're just who I thought you are! That's good.
Just how long am I going to hold on to these words?
How long? Until I can let go of it? I just don't know anymore. Holding on to those words. Believing in it, it just seems like it's the only way for me to go on in my life. The only way out. The only way for me to go on in life.
Yet those words also play another cast. They fulfill the purpose of chaining me. I had to live on like I'm fine, yet I'm not. I'm totally sick of this farce. Who says I'm fine. Who says I'm smart? Who says I'm good? Who says I'm refined. I may be like that in your eyes, but for me. I'm not like that!
I'm not fine. I'm not smart to the level of genius. I stumble, groped my way in personal relationships. I offended people, just like how people offended me. I'm not down-to-earth good mind you. I can be selfish whenever I wanted to. I can be wild if I wanted to. It's just that my wild side is usually dormant. ):
So let me give you the message that:
Everything is NOT okay. I'm sick of pretending everything's okay in my life. I shall be who I want to now. No chains is going to chain me down. It's time for my freedom. 2 years of chaining down is sufficiently enough. I'm searching for my past self, the one who I am 2 years ago, before everything my life changed drastically.
Seriously, who needs relatives when they just drag a whole load of burden onto you. Sadly to say, I hate them. I hate everything. Nothing is perfect in this world. Stop searching perfectionism in me.
Mistakes. Who wouldn't do it? Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. Neither anyone should wish for someone who's perfect. Actually, perfect is just like beauty. It depends on the eye of the beholder. Someone might think that a perfect person must be talented in all trades, good looking and rich. While the other person might think that a perfect person is just someone who's always happy, enjoying life at its fullest. It's different for everyone!
So...the mistakes I have made in these 18 years of my life, I can't count how many mistakes I've already made! Careless mistakes, mistakes in choices, actions, speeches, etc. If I really wanted to count it all, it's impossible!
It's human to err, yet it's also human to salvage what you have done wrongly. (:
---- After typing this I had a cup of warm, hot green tea to relax. God I love green tea but can't drink too much ahaha. So I went to read Junjou Mistake. It's cute, yet sad in a sense.
「I will never get, that which I really want.」
Well. What can I say? What isn't mine, will never be mine. No matter how hard I try, sometimes things can't be forced. It is just the law of nature. Let's take me for example. No matter how hard I wanted to enter MJC, I didn't get in even though I tried to appeal. It's just like this. Okay I know JC stuffs is like 2 years ago, but it's just an example.
So after so many stuffs, I finally do know how to let go. Move on. I did! I'm proud of it too! Because being tied down, is just wasting time. Sometimes something better might be down the road you're walking, yet you couldn't get to it because you're being held down by the past, held down by the memories, held down by the feelings.
Sometimes falling is love is just as sudden as a thought appearing in your mind. My case it was like..."before I knew it, I've already fall into the pit of unknown called love." To picture it correctly, it's like, it just happens without getting your own approval. That is totally rude in some sense.
Since feelings could just come suddenly, it could also disappear within a blink of an eye. I heard people saying before, "One would never understand truly what is pain, what is joy, if that person has never fall in love before." To hell with it. Haha. I don't understand. That's all I can say.
Now I'm in the middle of the crossroads, not knowing what's ahead in the many different paths I could take. Will I get the best route through groping my way forward? I don't know. What if, someday, the path that I'm on suddenly disappear, and I'm thrown into darkness? Will another path appear for me? Or will I have to walk in darkness forever? I don't know.
Choices seems to be easy to make, yet it's hard to know what's ahead of those choices. Life isn't a game, there's no reset button. That's that bad point of it. How nice would it be, if for everything there's a reset button? To think, I control my own life, yet somehow, I feel lost in the middle of it. Where am I? Where will I go? Where will I end? It's up to...me.
Bittersweet, the combination of bitterness, and sweetness. It's just the perfect way to describe any relationship with others. Be it romance, family or friendship. Why would it be bittersweet? It's simple.
Because it is never only one sided.
Why would I spout such things suddenly? There is always a very good reason for it, yet it's too personal to disclose. Bittersweet is just like light and shadow. Whenever there is like, there would be shadow. They tag along each other. Without one, one would feel incomplete. Before I continue...
Why is friendster sending me so many junk mails?!
The exact bittersweet feelings I felt is about half a year ago, where my life is in the worst miserable state. Why miserable? My family is falling apart, my studies is being delayed by my health status, everyday at home is like at the battleground, instead of missles and grenade it's shouting and screaming.
It is the moment where my stress level is at its peak, ready to snap at any moment. I was escaping from home, whenever there's a moment where I need not stay at home, I'd not be at home. Whenever there's someone available to watch movies at night, I'd call them out. (I really thank everyone who went out with me to watch movies during that time.)
It was at then, when I couldn't cope the stress anymore, I let it go. Yes. The bittersweet feeling. The decision I made. Which we didn't really contact each other anymore. Should I say that I didn't tried my best? I just don't know.
At that moment, when I let go, I actually do felt that it's the best solution, yet I still feel a tint of a messed up situation in my mind. But I decided to go with it. Because I've already sent it out.
I don't really know how to love someone, let alone falling into the river of love. Yet at that moment, all I could do was apologize. Nevertheless, I still wish her the best. Although we didn't really talk to each other anymore.
Bittersweet. Although we didn't went out as often...I was happy. And I did feel sadness when I ended it. It's bitter...yet no matter how, I'll always remember this feeling. Sometimes in the middle of the night I felt real empty. When I see how other people are so madly in love, I'm actually admiring them. Because they could become irrational over love! Yet sometimes, being too irrational would be quite bad.
Sometimes being too rational in love, it just means that you aren't in love yet. I'd just wish all the best for her, and for me. Cause it's still about me, me and still me. (:
